Category: Milspouse

Miscarriage – Mourning the could-have-beens – part 2

If you haven’t read part 1 of my story, please use this link: Miscarriage – Mourning the could-have-beens – part 1 and head over to it.

The second time I miscarried was about 7 months after my first miscarriage. I was 11 weeks, 6 days pregnant.

Facebook was a fairly new thing and I had just begun to connect with a whole heap of people online. As with the first miscarriage, I had been to the doctor and had the pregnancy confirmed. It was standard practice in Texas to come back at 12 weeks to hear the fetal heartbeat and do various first trimester blood tests, etcetera. We were excited. After the first miscarriage, I bought a fetal Doppler so I could find the heartbeat myself & after a lot of searching and much panicking, we did find it. It was all very exciting. I would go and try to find the heartbeat almost daily though, which was probably unhealthy in itself. Anyway, we were excited. We were expecting & at 11 weeks, 5 days, I announced it to the world via Facebook, what could it hurt right? My appointment was in 2 days, things seemed to be coming along nicely.

The following morning, Texas started going in to panic mode as there was a big ice storm coming. The entire city of San Antonio began to shut down. We got a call from the doctor’s office saying we would have to reschedule our appointment (it was meant to be for the next day) as the city had closed everything. They would call us back after the ice storm to find another time for the appointment. The timing was incredible.

That afternoon, I began spotting all over again. I couldn’t believe it but read that it can happen, even during a normal pregnancy. I was trying to be calm but when we couldn’t find a heartbeat, something kicked in and I knew in my heart of hearts that this was happening all over again!

It was very different this time. It’s really tough for me to explain and to tell this story, but I pretty much started to go into labor (I had a child, so I knew what that felt like). Everything was wrong. Hubby was at work again – he worked for a home improvement store so had to make sure people got the supplies they needed for the ice storm, ironically.

Our little girl was amazing! She just sat out in the living room watching tv, being the sweet, responsible, almost 3 year old, that I was so incredibly lucky to have!

But what I went through was awful! It didn’t last for that long. But imagine actually giving birth to something that doesn’t resemble a baby at all. I know you can find photos on the internet that look like a tiny baby when you are almost 12 weeks pregnanct, but this was a lump. I couldn’t mourn it, I couldn’t stand looking at it. It didn’t have limbs, it was just a lump. And in some ways it made it easier to move forward and in other ways, far more difficult. That fact that I had been through the whole process of a miniature labor, was very tough to swallow, the fact that it didn’t remotely resemble what the books showed you, made it a tad easier, I guess.

For 3 days San Antonio was shut down, even hubby stayed home for 2 of them. By the time the clinic called back to reschedule, I knew it was all over and told them as much. They wanted me to go to have a D&C (a clean out to make sure everything is out of you so you don’t have any chance of getting an infection) but I knew everything was out of me. I knew my body had done its job. I just knew.

I spent my next few weeks in a daze and thought our daughter would end up being an only child. Obviously I was too old or I had done too much damage in my earlier days through smoking and drinking. It was a tough pill to swallow as one thing I adamantly didn’t want was an only child! But I put thoughts of another baby on the back burner and focused on the child I did have. I gave up smoking (yes, I still smoked – outside – after having our first child – obviously I stopped during the pregnancy-but I stopped completely this time). I started to exercise and even started making some friends. Hubby introduced me to some of the spouses of his college cohort and we all started to socialize on a regular basis too. It was a really fun time in our lives and we made the most of the family time we got together and the quality of life our daughter had.

About 1 year later, I was fortunate enough to get pregnant again and everything seemed to be different from the get go. It was meant to be. And my second little girl is 10 going on 18. She’s a handful, but an absolute joy.

I even got a surprise third baby about 4 years after she was born, when my husband was waiting for a vasectomy of all things! Had I not though, there wouldn’t be any Hunter-isms! 😁 Check out my Facebook page to find out more info about those!

I hope you’ve found this blog helpful and in your time of need, you know that you are not alone. Please feel free to share so others understand how many of us have been through this. Come on over to Aussie Mum’s Adventures on FB and like my page: Aussie Mum’s Adventures. You can find me on Twitter: @ozmumsadventures, on Instagram: Ozmumsadventures, on Pinterest: Aussiemumsadventures.

If you or someone you love has experienced a miscarriage, please remember there are resources out there to help you.

In the USA:

https://www.gopinkandblue.org

In Australia:

https://www.pregnancylossaustralia.org.au

In NZ:

https://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz

In UK:

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Miscarriage – Mourning the could-have-beens – Part 1

 

Screen Shot 2019-02-20 at 10.53.02 PMMiscarriage, it’s the kind of word that comes with lots of stigma. It’s the kind of word that seems to hush the room when spoken, no-one knowing what to say, yet statistically, it happens often.

According to March of Dimes:

“Miscarriage (also called early pregnancy loss) is when a baby dies in the womb (uterus) before 20 weeks of pregnancy. For women who know they’re pregnant, about 10 to 15 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent) end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester before the 12th week of pregnancy. Miscarriage in the second trimester (between 13 and 19 weeks) happens in 1 to 5 in 100 (1 to 5 percent) pregnancies.

As many as half of all pregnancies may end in miscarriage. We don’t know the exact number because a miscarriage may happen before a woman knows she’s pregnant. Most women who miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy later.”

This might be a tad tough to read, it’s certainly tough to write, but sometimes we need to share our stories to help others through their struggles. it’s that spoken about, yet unspoken thing that so many women have to endure. The United States is currently in the midst of an abortion debate, but we seem to forget about those who tragically lose a fetus, particularly when they are trying to conceive.

Unfortunately I know this from experience, twice. The first time, I was 8 weeks pregnant, we were super excited. Life was good. We had moved to Texas from Italy, my husband had left the Navy and started school to earn his bachelor’s degree. He was working a part time job, our eldest daughter was two and we were ready to increase our family. Money was tight and we didn’t have great insurance coverage but it was good enough to cover a pregnancy and we knew that once my husband had finished his degree, we would be ok. Life had other plans at that point in time though. 

I was approximately 8 weeks pregnant. We had confirmed the pregnancy at a doctor’s appointment when I was approximately 6 weeks pregnant. They told us to make another appointment at 12 weeks, we were delighted. One of my hubby’s friends was having a party and I was designated driver (obviously). We were having a good time when suddenly something didn’t feel right. I went to the bathroom and had some fairly prominent spotting. We left the party shortly thereafter. I was concerned, but tried to remain as calm as possible.

The following morning, I dropped my husband off at work and was driving home when all of a sudden the bleeding became fairly heavy. It was scary. My two year old daughter was in the car. I was alone. We got home and she saw the blood and started crying asking if Mummy was ok. I was more scared for the scarring this could do to her than anything else at this point in time, so I tried to reassure her I was ok. Even thinking about it now makes my heart beat faster. With only one car, it wasn’t even like I could physically go and pick up my husband from work, so I sat there with my little girl and cried and miscarried throughout that day. Alone, in a foreign country, not knowing anyone close by. 

When I did go and pick up my husband, who was blissfully unaware of all that had transpired throughout the day, he saw me and seemed to understand something was terribly wrong immediately. We decided to go to the emergency room to make sure it was a miscarriage and that nothing further was wrong. Unfortunately, it was all but confirmed (another blog to come about this whole ghastly experience) so I went home with a heavy heart. 

I’m pretty sure I cried for the next week or so. I felt lost. I felt like I had failed. I felt alone. I wanted to give my Mum a hug and have her tell me everything was ok, but unfortunately she was on the other side of the world. Thank god I could at least talk to her on the phone! My husband tried to be there for me, but he didn’t really know what to say or do. I couldn’t help him either, I was a little lost and trying to hold my shit together for our daughter. He was doing his best to hold down the fort in every possible way. 

What do you say when someone has a miscarriage? Well here’s what not to say, “it was obviously for the best as something must have been wrong with it.” Um, no. Just no. (and yes, people felt the need to say this to me). That might be true, but when someone dies after suffering incredible pain, you don’t tell their family that it was for the best, it just doesn’t work! Just listen. Say you’re sorry. If you’ve been through it yourself, share that information. Tell the person you have some understanding of what they’re going through. Remember that everyone feels pain differently, your experiences are probably different to theirs and if you’ve never been through it, then you honestly don’t understand. Be honest. Let them talk or sit in silence. Its similar to grieving for a loved one. You didn’t know that child, but you lost the promise of all that could have been. When you find out you are pregnant, you are excited, you can’t help but wonder what this child will be like; is it a girl? A boy? Twins? Will they be a prodigy? Will they be funny? Sweet? What sort of mother will you be? How many adventures will you have? So many things run through your head the minute a pregnancy is confirmed. And it’s all the could-haves that break your heart when you miscarry.

I mentioned earlier that I had a second miscarriage and I will share the details of that in part two of this blog. Miscarriage can be terribly lonely. Women feel ostracized by it. But you are not alone and it’s ok. You will get through. You will be ok. We will be ok. More than likely, you did everything right. No-one can really explain why miscarriages happen, but what we do know is that everyone experiences different emotions when they go through a miscarriage; you doubt your own body, you question what you’ve done to deserve this. Some people grieve immediately, others later. At the end of the day, it’s painful, but you are very much allowed to mourn your loss; to mourn the could-have’s. 

I hope you’ve found this blog helpful and in your time of need, you know that you are not alone. Please feel free to share so others understand how many of us have been through this. Come on over to Aussie Mum’s Adventures on FB and like my page: Aussie Mum’s Adventures. You can find me on Twitter: @ozmumsadventures, on Instagram: Ozmumsadventures, on Pinterest: Aussiemumsadventures.

If you or someone you love has experienced a miscarriage, please remember there are resources out there to help you.

In the USA:

https://www.gopinkandblue.org

In Australia:

https://www.pregnancylossaustralia.org.au

In NZ:

https://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz

In UK:

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Resources:

March of Dimes

Shut the French Door!

When it comes to French doors and privacy, there are only so many options. I started researching some of them when we installed our French doors on our house here in Virginia. We have a larger lot (over 2 acres) and are surrounded by woods, but in the winter, the trees take their deciduous steps and distant neighbours have now got much better views into your domain. This bothers me, particularly at night when it is so dark outside and the house is lit up like a small supernova. I definitely like my privacy. What to do on a budget? Well, given I had no clue how to make French Door curtains, I purchased some and they’re fabulous and cost about $30.

We have another set of French doors in our basement and it has always bothered me that my kids could be down there playing (the video gaming is set up down there) and anyone can see into those doors too. I had originally planned to buy another set of the same style of curtains for down there, but then I remembered I actually have a ton of curtains from our various moves – yes, when you move like we do, you acquire so many things – some of which are a metallic Grey and would match the decor down there absolutely perfectly! The curtains I had purchased (pictured) looked very easy to copy the style of, so with a few modifications, I set out to repurpose my existing curtains into practical ones for the French door.

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The first thing I did was measure the window opening in the door to ensure the curtains I had were long enough, they were. Then it was a matter of taking approximate measurements of the existing French door curtains to match up my gray ones. I measured the width of the curtain and realized I had to cut quite a lot off it. This is a little scary mind you as you are ruining, I mean restyling, something perfectly good. I found the best thing to do was to measure all the way down putting a small sharpie mark along the length then getting a ruler and joining these marks together, then it was just a matter of biting the bullet and cutting (if I ruined them, well I did have another back up pair that weren’t so perfect but would do). I made my curtains 26″ (66cm) wide with a half inch hem on the side that needed a new hem. Therefore, my marks were made at 26 1/2 inches (67.3 cm) across ensuring the 4 circles (normally what would go on a rod) became the feature top of my French door curtains and were evenly spaced on both sides.

With the length I cut off, I measured the amount I would need to make the two pieces that velcroed together, holding the entire curtain up when you wanted to allow daylight in. I did screw up a little bit here as I didn’t take into account the fact that the second piece wouldn’t have any hem on either end, don’t do what I did, make that second piece a fraction longer, it will make life easier and save a burnt finger when it comes to ironing that hem on. I made each of these pieces 19 1/4 ” (49cm) by 2 1/2 ” (6.35cm) PLUS hem – important you don’t forget to factor this in.

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I didn’t even tell you that I wanted to do this entire project without sewing! I had lots of iron-on hemming tape and thought it would be perfect for this job.

If you have never used hemming/bonding tape, basically you use an iron to melt it together, ergo bond the fabric together at your given hemline. The iron has to be hot (so the fabric you use has to be capable of withstanding a reasonably hot iron, and you must turn the steam function off. Be careful not to touch the hemming tape with the hot iron, it will melt immediately and leave a sticky residue on your iron – if this happens, turn iron off and wait to get cold before wiping with a clean cloth that has some rubbing alcohol on it (I do not know this from experience ;)). I decided to double hem my edges because I wanted a clean ‘finished’ look, it did mean a lot more work but it looks better in my opinion. One other thing I did was to cut the hemming tape in half lengthwise as it fitted each of my little, narrow hems much better like that.


Once everything was hemmed and ironed, I folded the front of the curtain over so it gave my front a more professional finish, I used more hemming tape at the top to secure these two folds together.

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I then joined the two pieces on to the back of the French door curtain like so (I pinned everything in place after I had measured it and before I permanently attached it so I could be sure it was all going to work and look nice and neat). My strips were attached 6″ in from the edges on each side.
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Then it was a matter of attaching the Velcro. Again, I didn’t particularly want to sew, not that I can’t, I’m just not very good at it and don’t particularly enjoy it, so I had some sticky back Velcro from another project and just used it. This really is a matter of eyeballing and making sure they will align when joined together. Pinning helps with this too.
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Finally, it was time to attach a curtain to the French door:


I love how these turned out. They match the decor down here perfectly, I had everything on hand so didn’t actually have to purchase anything and now I know we will have privacy downstairs too!


Would you try this at your house? What do you think of this project? Please come on over to Aussie Mum’s Adventures on FB and like my page: Aussiemumsadventures. You can find me on Twitter: @ozmumsadventures, on Instagram: Ozmumsadventures, on Pinterest: Aussiemumsadventures And please subscribe to my YouTube channel: Aussie Mum’s Adventures (I’m still working on it, so please have patience with me!).

The ‘Wall’

Mexico-U.S. border wall prototypes/photo by CBP Photography/Flickr

I understand immigration is a big issue, particularly illegal immigration. I went through hell to get into this country legally, all because I just happened to fall in love with a US citizen!

This isn’t the solution though; a wall that is. The proverbial ladders are already being funded and built. The real costs will be incredible! You’re talking about taking land from farmers, stopping their seasonal workers from doing the laborious jobs no one else will do because the pay isn’t worthy of the labor-intensive nature involved. Fresh produce will increase in price – for all of us, as will law suits because the government is taking private land and there are very few private land owners willingly ready to give up their hard-worked land. Not to mention the incredible environmental impact – the actual production of cement/concrete, creates immensely harmful greenhouse gasses. The Rio Grande is often a scarce water region so locals, neighbours, on both sides of the river, have for years worked together to come up with solutions to share the water resources. They have built dams together, they have, for the most part, been extremely amicable, my daughter literally read a passage out of her fifth grade social studies/geography text book about just this thing last night.

Then there’s the devastating impact on wildlife. The National Butterfly Center located in Mission, TX has had a portion of its property sectioned off to build a part of the wall that was already funded under Congress last year (2018) when it approved the funding of approximately 33 acres of ‘barrier’ costing an estimated $600 million. The Butterfly Center is going to try to fight it, but “Under laws passed since the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the Department of Homeland Security has said it can override federal environmental regulations to build barriers at the U.S.-Mexico border.” (Texas butterfly center fighting border wall construction).

But, here’s the thing & it’s big! The hatred for fellow Americans has to cease, as does the great big line that has been invisibly drawn between us. You are representatives of a great country, a great multi-cultural country. A country that has developed in diversity because of all the immigrants that have contributed to it. You have the opportunity to show what great people you are! And just how great the UNITED States of America is! We have to work together to find a solution for illegal immigration. We have to stop the hatred between fellow man. We have to be reasonable when looking for solutions to problems such as illegal immigration. We cannot join in with the BS currently circulating throughout this great country. The division, the name calling, the hatred, it has to cease. I don’t have the answers, but I’m certainly willing to keep an open mind if reasonable ideas are put forward for how to eliminate illegal immigration at the US/Mexico border and take care of both our fellow human beings and the animals who populate the world with us. Just not a wall.

References

Retrieved from: https://www.dallasnews.com/news/news/2019/02/04/texas-butterfly-center-fighting-border-wall-construction

Being There

I regularly reflect on life and try to find some deep and meaningful answers on a daily basis. Rarely do I actually get any 😆. But, some clarification has hit me this year, I think I’m done with the BS people in my life. The ones who only want me in their lives when it’s convenient for them. You know the ones. You call or text them for the umpteenth time & always get the response “I’ve been so busy……. blah blah.” We are all busy, every single one of us, but we all have a few minutes to take the time to call and check on the people we love; friends and family alike. It’s important. We all say all of these sweet things on Social media about how we are here if you need us, but why not be there before you are needed? Why not give a little rather than talk a sweet talk? It’s time, now is the time to do that! If it isn’t time for you, then perhaps the people in your life aren’t the right people? Perhaps it’s time to move on and make new friends?

Every relationship you have is an investment. You both give and take, you invest your time and your love, yes even with friends. If you’re too busy to invest that time and love, then maybe these aren’t the right friends for you. Take a moment to reassess who you want in your life, then take a moment to jot them a note, give them a call, send a text.

I know, I know, your busy, you’ve got too many friends, too much family, everyone is strewn throughout the country, throughout the world! If you don’t reach out now, you may regret that you didn’t. We have no idea if today is the first of many great ones yet to come or the last of many great ones lived. We have no idea about that for ourselves let alone for anyone else. After dealing with too many losses at the end of last year into this year and seeing so many people regret not reaching out in time because they didn’t realize their time was so limited, I cannot emphasize enough how important this is. I’m not sitting here on my high horse telling you to cull your Facebook friends’ list, what I am telling you though is reach out to those you consider your true friends, a minute is all it takes. Stop putting off having lunch or a coffee with that girlfriend you haven’t seen in forever, stop thinking there’ll be time later to go for that beer or catch up with your mate to play pool. There may not be and you don’t want to spend time regretting.

I don’t want to regret another minute of my life. I don’t want to spend time with people I don’t truly like. I don’t want to spend time with people who don’t truly like me. That’s not doing either one of us any good. I’ve always reached out to people but it’s definitely a two-way street and my life is very full, so perhaps it’s time I stopped. Perhaps it’s time you stopped too. Perhaps our laundry list of so-called friends is just that?

Either way, the people I love , those who truly know who they are, will always call and check on me or text or let me know how they are, just as I will them. The rest, well some could be in this life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, some could just be wasting my time and I theirs. So here’s to truly being there for someone before they need you and to knowing others have got your back!

What the ?

Hey fellow Mum/Mom, what the …..?

So, my daughter had her 12th birthday party a few months ago, she invited 8 of her friends. She didn’t invite one girl that she’s had this on again/off again relationship with. She asked me if I thought she was doing the right thing, I asked her how she was being treated lately by said girl and what their relationship was like. She responded with: said girl had been treating her like crap (after having a play date at our house the week before) and she had an invite for her but rescinded at the last minute because said girl was being a little hellion (according to my daughter).
Here’s my thing; my kid and your kid are both not going to paint themselves in the ‘worst’ picture when it comes to situations involving their friends. I’m going to believe my kid, you’re going to believe your kid.
Sometimes our kids aren’t telling the entire truth; sometimes they blatantly lie.
I can’t tell you who is being more honest, what I can tell you is there are always two sides to a story and why the hell are you unfriending me as your Facebook friend because our kids no longer talk?
Seriously, this happened! I have been a parent for over 12 years now and I’ve only just realised that it is a big mistake to get involved with any of your kid’s friend’s Mums! Well okay, maybe not. Maybe you’ll walk away with a friend for life, but maybe you’ll also both get drawn into the shit that happens when your kids have falling outs! Do not get involved!
Well, hang on, if it’s serious, get involved, but most of the time it’s just the frigging drama that goes along with a bean/tween/teen! It’s seriously not something you need to take a stand on and that’s where the grey comes into it: New Mum/mom, only child Mum/Mom, old hat Mum/Mom, your kid is going to go through drama, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being bullied, but it’s a whole lot of drama nonetheless! (Oh and keep a very keen eye out for the bullying because that’s a whole different ball game!)
The drama is going to involve your kid’s best friend/girlfriend/boyfriend or a complete stranger. You are going to have no clue from which direction the drama will unfold. Here’s the big picture though, don’t frigging unfriend the mother you friended a few months ago when your kid’s were best friends because there’s a damn good chance they’ll be best friends again before you know it! Don’t bring the other parent into the drama! I’ve learnt this the hard way, and I say this in all seriousness, don’t frigging friend someone either just because they are the parent of your kid’s friend! Just because your kid’s are friends doesn’t mean you need to be, and you know what? On a grown up level, just because you’re friends, doesn’t mean your kids need to be!
We seem to go through this notion where we think we have to Facebook befriend the parent of every kid our kids love and sometimes they’re not necessarily people we want to know and other times they’re the best friends we never knew we had. It’s a tough game that whole friendship as an adult thing but when our kids come into play, from now on my new motto is, hey, I really like you but you need to understand our kids may have differences and I don’t particularly give a crap because I really like you and the kids can work their own shit out or move on! Do not get overly involved! Advise your kid. Do the parental thing. Call the other kid out. But has the parent done anything to you? Is the kid old enough to have started developing their independence? Then shit, stop holding grudges against the parents; sometimes great parents have shitty kids and sometimes shitty parents have great kids! That’s just the way it rolls.
This woman’s juvenile behaviour has now made me think everything my daughter has told me about her daughter is true, whereas before, I wasn’t so sure. How can we set the example for our children, particularly our daughters (I’m a firm believer in women believing in other women rather than putting them down) when we start judging other women by the actions our juvenile children narrate to us when they are still learning what is right and wrong in the world? Disappointed doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings about this seemingly smart, well educated woman! And no, there were no other posts made by myself between Saturday night (the night of the party) and Monday afternoon (when she came up on my Facebook feed as someone I might know).
What the ?
Lady, you are doing nothing for your child by being like this. You are not setting a great example to resolve conflict and nor are you ensuring your child has the confidence to make the right decisions- be they right or wrong. I am glad in a way that we are no longer friends because you’ve helped me explain to my daughter the kind of woman ‘not to be’ (but I actually liked a couple of parts of your personality, so in another sense it saddens me that this is where we’ve come).
I wish you and yours all the best and hope your kid can walk away from this a strong woman who knows what it’s like to both fail and succeed and to know the important role other women play in this thing we call life.

The Perfect Wife!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my next blog and what it should be about. I guess I see a lot of examples of the ‘perfect’ military wife all the time! Now before I go on, I have to make something very clear; everyone’s definition of what makes someone perfect is very different, secondly, there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ wife. These women just seem to make it all look easy. They are gracious, kind, able to make small talk with ease, can speak to anyone, never have doubts, they know what to say and do at the right time, they know who’s who and what’s what. Now for me, I cannot be something I am not, nor do I wish to be, most of the time, but sometimes……
We (people in the military or attached to the military) live a completely different life to normal people. It’s really quite an old fashioned world in a lot of ways, as the female spouse in many cases, stays home with the children. It’s difficult for spouses to get and maintain jobs because of our constant moving. Most of us are well educated and very intelligent, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! There’s also the matter of giving our children some sort of normalcy; meaning they get one parent at home on a regular basis – one constant in their life. And luckily, in my case, we can afford that, though two incomes would definitely be better, hence the reason so many military spouses are going into independent consulting businesses. But, I stray, that’s not what this is about. This is about the women I meet everyday, the women who have so many expectations put on them, the women who epitomize the perfect military spouse and the women who don’t. 
This past week has afforded me this wonderful opportunity to meet lots of great ladies but I can’t help but feel like my husband got a raw deal. I’m brutally honest; we hosted a small dinner over the weekend for my hubby’s soldiers and they brought me a lovely bottle of wine, but then one of them asked if I liked it, I should have just lied and said yes, but I didn’t! I said, and I quote, “I like almost every wine out there, except for sweet wines.” (Should have stopped there but I didn’t!) I went on further to say something along the lines of re-gifting it or someone will drink it when they come over. Seriously. The grace left me. Afterwards I thought about how rude it was and I’m still berating myself for it, but I follow after my mother and have foot in mouth syndrome! I laugh at myself though, never taking anything I do too seriously, as I hope others don’t either. Once you get to know me, you’ll see that I may have this ability to put my foot in my mouth but I’m as loyal as hell and I’ll never give you the BS side of it! You’ll always get the truth, whether you like it or not. But sometimes I should limit my answers to one word! Yes, short and sweet. 
I see people every day who are seemingly, the ‘perfect’ military spouse; they wear the right clothes, they have the right answers, they are always so positive, they serve the right food, they never drink too much wine, they go to church, basically they epitomize everything the perfect military spouse should. Sometimes I really wish I could do it all too. I say way too much, I speak my mind. I disagree with certain things the military does and say it out loud! I dress well, but I show cleavage (oops). I don’t know when to shut-up, seriously! I share way too much on Facebook too. I’m Australian and that in and of itself makes me different too. I’m not religious. And that’s a big one; I’m not an atheist either, I just try to live by the golden rule and if I started going to church, it would be hypocritical of me. But that in and of itself outcasts me. As my husband gets higher in rank, all of these things are going to start impacting him more and more, I’m going to have to watch what I say and do.
I hear some of you sitting there reading this saying, “so what!” But, it’s truly a big deal. In this life, the fact that I don’t fit in in so many ways, will always mean I’m a bit of an outcast. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of military spouse friends who accept me just the way I am but as I sit here and think of them, none of them have quite so many outcast traits as I do. They know how to talk the talk without trying, they too epitomize the ‘perfect’ military spouse. But you know what? I bet they too feel like outcasts at times too! The pressure on us to be the perfect wife gets old. We are living in a modern world surrounded by tradition, facing obstacles other spouses don’t face, and I’m not even talking about the obvious ones like deployments! Instead I’m referring to tradition meets modern, princess meets plumber, hostess with the mostest meets mum with guns (no, not the bullet wielding ones, the ones formed when one clenches a fist and shows muscly biceps). We are put down when we put on weight – yes those soldiers can be judgmental about military wives, yet, considered too much when we take pride in the way we look and dress. We are expected to know the traditions that go along with being a soldier, a sailor, an airmen, a marine, we are also expected to know the ranks, the to-dos, the expected behaviours of our military partners and the second language that comes with being attached to the military (the acronyms are a killer)! On top of all of that we aren’t really considered as anyone important; (though some spouses seem to think they wear the same rank as their service man/woman for some reason) everything is done under our spouse’s social security number! Yes, I know my husband’s better than my own! We can’t do certain things without them either. We move when they move, we take care of everything when their gone but we need power of attorneys to be able to operate normally. Welcome to our world; the world of ‘perfect’ spouses! 
We have a military ball coming up and yes, I do know how to dress appropriately for it, I know what I should and shouldn’t do in the receiving line. Just so you know what I’m talking about if you’re unfamiliar with the military life: at a military ball, we actually do all get dressed up like princesses. It’s not appropriate to wear anything too revealing at these sorts of functions. True ball gowns are called for so if you enjoy dressing up like a princess every now and then, it’s really quite fun. There is a social hour before the official start to the ball where people have a drink and socialize. Once the receiving line goes into play though, we must finish our drinks and make our way along the line of VIPs into the ballroom. During this line, one must ensure one is not carrying a drink (it used to be a factor that one not be smoking either but given most places are non-smoking nowadays, this doesn’t normally come into play anymore). If you know people in the receiving line, it is not appropriate for you to stop and chat either, or to hug them for that matter, unless they hug you first. You will be introduced by your soldier spouse (who is dressed in their military finest) and you will walk through the line and say your hellos to everyone as you greet them. Then you will go to your table and be ready for the night’s formal portion. There are a lot of toasts and particular responses one must say after each toast (all in the program, thank goodness). It is all very proper and one thing I can do is proper, though I probably always end up having more wine than I should and normally I don’t like some of the food so the wine goes to my head faster than it would if I were eating a proper meal. It’s just the small talk I’m bad at. I can’t stand being fake and not getting to the heart of knowing someone so the small talk normally goes out the door in a flash. I’m not saying that small talk means your being fake but saying hello how are you to everyone and not really caring about their response, is definitely not being ‘real’ and we’ve all seen that in action, military world or not! I can’t stand it when people do it to me. Don’t ask if you don’t want the answer, it’s as simple as that, but I digress once again. Small talk and I don’t work well, give me your best small talk lines if you have any ideas, because I’d love to hear them! 

From another angle, I love meeting honest-to-goodness people, you know, the ones who call it like it is. It’s refreshing in our military life, especially when they are seasoned mil spouses. I love talking to people and getting to know them beyond the bullshit small talk; those are the people I become friends with. I love hearing stories about crazy things, I love telling stories about crazy situations we’ve been through. I like to look nice and dress nicely, I like to have that touch of sexiness going on, especially if I’m going to be seeing my husband; yes I’m that woman, the one who thinks my husband is the sexiest man out there and who always likes to tease him just a little so he knows I’ve still got it too. I like it when other women look good too and take pride in how they dress. I’m not talking weight or makeup, I’m talking about looking nice and feeling confident. A confident woman has to be the sexiest kind of woman out there. I wear my workout clothes to the bus stop every single day. But if I’m going out, most of the time, I take pride in the way I look and the minute I take some time for me, I start to feel sexy. 
The perfect wife: No there isn’t such a thing, and everyone’s definition is very different. There’s definitely a lot of close calls in my circle; I’m not one of them. Would I like to be? Sometimes, very much so. Other times, definitely not! I’d certainly like to better my social skills, perhaps learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes. For my husband’s benefit, it would be nice if I could fit in a little more, not that he’s too concerned on most days. But I do the best job I can do, I take each challenge as it comes and try to greet every person I meet without judgement, we are definitely judged enough by others. No, sometimes I don’t fit in at all. No, sometimes I don’t say the right thing either, but I’m there doing the best job I can and being the best me, I can be. But to military spouses out there feeling like they aren’t ‘perfect’, or feeling like they’ve screwed up something, you aren’t alone. We can’t all be perfect and even the perfect ones screw up sometimes! 😉 All we can do is be who we are, bettering ourselves all the time and being the ‘best’ us, we can be. 

Mums/Moms About Teaching Kids Etiquette #MATKE

I read today about target (USA) taking mini trolleys (shopping carts) out of their stores after getting a few complaints from parents and other shoppers. I then read some of the complaints and was quite honestly dumbfounded. Are you serious? Do you people really have nothing better to do with your time? How about you start with learning how to give your kiddos some self-control. I’m sure the little darlings are amazing creatures but seriously, if my kid starts running rampant through Target thinking he or she (yes I have both sexes) can do whatever the hell they like and can buy anything they want, I’m going to start doing some introspection rather than blaming Target for having mini trolleys! In Australia, mini trolleys are everywhere and we love them! Even our little, tiny minuscule commissary (grocery store for US Military stationed overseas) has one little trolley. My kids understand that only one of them can use it at one time (it’s called sharing) and when someone else has the one and only miniature trolley available, well, so be it! There’s no temper tantrums (ok there was once but I nipped that in the bud very quickly so it never happened again), it’s called life people, and one day your little darling is going to have to face the fact that they have to share, they have to understand when ‘it’s all gone’! 

Shame on you Target for giving in to the few! Most kids have parents who understand when there’s no miniature trolleys left and explain to their child/children that it is actually a fact of life that sometimes things aren’t fair! Most parents also teach their children trolley/cart etiquette; no little Sarah, you don’t run over people’s toes with your trolley. No you don’t park in the middle of the aisle and ruin it for anyone coming either way! No you don’t put whatever you like in it either! No you don’t hit other shoppers (or me for that matter) in the ankles!

When I’m just buying a couple of things and when there’s a mini trolley available, guess what? I put the stuff in that I’m buying. The kiddos help me pick out healthy options and into the cart it goes! It’s as easy as A,B,C! No tanties, no whining, cause I put my Mummy panties on and I do my job! 

Seriously, we talk about helicopter parents, well “Hello! There you are!”

Mums about teaching kids etiquette! #MATKE

To my friends with no kids…..

Sometimes we really envy you. Sometimes we look at all the wonderful things you get to do, the adventures you get to have, the ability to leave your house on a whim, and we feel alittle, tiny, ok, sometimes it’s a bit more like a gut wrenching dislike towards you! Don’t get me wrong, we love you, but sometimes we really envy your freedom!
We remember the carefree days of adventure and fun. We remember not having to pack an entire day’s worth of snacks into a handbag. We remember not having to make sure everyone has hats and a change of clothes, to pack the sunscreen, to ensure everyone has towels, to make sure there’s water bottles for all, oh and other drinks if we are going out for the entire day, I mean who can survive on just plain water for an entire day’s outing???? I mean SERIOUSLY! We remember when there was just one person to take care of, hmm, let me throw on some clothes and be on my way…… Lol! Those days are gone baby! Now it’s, let me throw on my clothes then go and get clothes for everyone else or ensure the clothes they are wearing can actually be seen in public. Then brush hair, clean teeth, making sure breakfast actually happens before teeth cleaning (yes, we’ve done that before). 
Then there’s the matter of what everyone is going to eat! In my house, living in Korea means we have to plan very carefully. I am the only one who eats Korean food (well the son is starting to eat it given he gets it every day at his school) but this means the whole family sits in the car and thinks about where we are going and where the nearest place is that has food they will all eat! This is a serious conversation that normally ends with me rolling my eyes and giving in to them. Unbelievable! We may have literally finished breakfast 5 minutes beforehand but the conversation always takes a shift to what we will eat if we are out long enough. And the minute we get in the car, bellies that were full five seconds ago are now so hungry they could eat anything, well anything other than what was on the menu for breakfast anyway; “Mum, I’m starving!” “You just ate breakfast and said you were full.” 

“Yes, but that was ages ago, have you got any snacks?”

“Only leftover cereal.”

“Oh, well I guess I’m still full for now.”

Yes. You are! 
We were supposed to go camping this Fourth of July weekend. The forecast said a high chance of heavy rain (it didn’t end up quite like that, in fact, it would have been a beautiful weekend to camp) but we had to decide on Thursday and at that point in time, given the forecast, we called it. So, we did what parents of three kids do, we spent most of our time at the pool, yes we got rained on a little but we had fun. Hubby played mini golf with them yesterday too then we all played today. We love doing family stuff, but sometimes…..

This afternoon came and I really felt like spontaneously going somewhere. We have some friends who just yesterday went out for a drive, discovered a winery and hung about all day having wine tastings and doing spare of the moment stuff. Not us. There is no spontaneity unless it is a spontaneous run to the pool (I have pool bags at the ready now). We were coming home today and I suggested we take a drive and I would show hubby this lovely walk along the river. Well I got busy looking at Facebook and we missed the turn, he wasn’t keen to go anywhere anyway (but he gets to leave the house daily too) and dear son started with “Are we there yet?” “How much longer?” 
I then suggested to dear husband that we go to this other place, but we missed that turn off too, finally he turned around and went home. Everyone got out of the car so happy to be home, except me. I wanted to have some adventure. I wanted to find that hidden gem winery, or that charming temple, or anything honestly. But no, home again. Requests to go to the pool again tomorrow in hand. There won’t be any winery visits, we may try to bike ride to the tea house (given dear son will be at school) so I may just be able to twist some arms and coax all into that but there will be no leaving the house carefree and wild with no idea of where we’ll go for the day. For now, those days are gone. I know tomorrow I’ll wake up and want to go to the pool and want to hang out with my kids, but for just a while today, I really wanted to adult, yet adult without responsibility & that just can’t happen anymore, for now anyway.
To my friends without kids, sometimes we envy you, but that’s why we stay in shape right now. One day the kids will be gone and you’ll see this ninety year old woman dragging her husband to some crazy spontaneous places/outings. I’ll make him do all the things we couldn’t do now and we’ll have an amazing time. To my friends without kids, have a blast, enjoy every second you can. I may envy you today but it makes me so happy to see you living life to the fullest! 

Répondez s’il vous plaît 

RSVP. Répondez s’il vous plaît. Literally translated into English meaning ‘respond please’. It has been a term used for a very long time, probably originating when King Louis XIV, at his palace of Versailles, created a set of rules in the form of a ‘ticket’ or, in French; ‘etiquette’, setting out the guidelines for the correct way to behave when in his Court. These ‘tickets’ were either put up around Versailles or sent out on the back of invitations. Though, this is but one theory of the origin of the term and how we still use it today when talking about modern etiquette, it certainly makes sense given the French led the way for etiquette in the modern world through the 19th Century. 
Why such background information on this blog? Well I guess it serves as a reminder that even in this day and age of incredible technology, where snail mail is rarely used anymore, one can still have manners! 
A few weeks ago, my daughter was having her 8th birthday party. We sent out invitations (my daughter handed them out at school with her teacher’s help) to 8 girl friends, 18 days in advance. Why 18 days? Well, I guess I thought three weeks was too long and two weeks was too short, so I found a happy medium. The party consisted of two parts; a sleep over with the option of me picking them up from school directly or the parents delivering children to our house (enabling them to meet me, ensure we were hygienic etc), and a party the following morning at something called a kids’ café. The café needed numbers, as does anywhere one books a party, so we gave them 10 (we have three kids of our own including the birthday girl). I made it clear on the invitation that each child was more than welcome to do either one or the other or both, that was entirely up to the parent but I did need an RSVP. I gave them my mobile phone number, my name and said please call or text by the Monday prior. 
Now let me give you a little bit of background information about what it’s like to live in an expat community as part of a Military Installation in South Korea: the children are bused to and from school. Most people are only allowed one car, meaning getting about can sometimes pose a problem, this is because of an agreement with the Korean Government, so not something that can be trifled with (Driving in Korea can be scary anyway, so it’s actually a good thing). Given that we have only been here for 5 months, we had only been to one school function for our daughter’s class and it was a play. We brought donuts, watched the kids perform then left the kids to their donut party, not really something we socialized at. Our daughter had been to two birthday parties though, but one of the girls had already PCS’d (military acronym for moving when the military tells you to move) & I did have the other girl’s mother’s number. 

Right back to the story……
The invitations were handed out. 1 week passed. Nothing. On day 12, the Friday before the response was due, I asked my daughter to remind her friends to RSVP through their parents. I gave her some cards (yes, I have cards with my telephone number and blog website on them – some even have the names and ages of my kids on the back so I can give them to other mothers with whom I meet and connect, that way they can remember who I was, who my kids are and which of their kids would connect with mine). She gave out a couple of them and reminded them to get their parents to let me know. Day 15: RSVP requested date. Nothing. Day 16, I again asked her to remind her friends to let us know if they could come, the party was on the Friday night/Saturday morning and it was now Tuesday. I then sent a text to the only mother who’s number I had and gently reminded her of the party on Friday night, she almost immediately responded and said yes, her daughter would be there, but she wouldn’t sleep over or come the next morning. Ok, at least one child was coming. I also asked if she had any other parents’ information and she had one of them and said she would find out if this other little girl was coming. On the Thursday night, I heard from this same mother who told me that yes, the other little girl would be coming but also not staying the night, nor would she be at the café the following morning. I appreciated her letting me know, though I did question why the girl in question’s own mother or father couldn’t respond to me directly. Odd. Finally, at 7pm, I got a call from one of the other little girls who said yes, she was coming and she was staying the night! Yay! A little late but my little girl was literally starting to feel heartbroken at the thought that no one wanted to come to her party nor stay the night with her, so this made her very happy.  At 9pm, I got a text from one other mother saying that her daughter would be there on Friday night.

 Four out of eight. As for the other 4 girls, I’ve still not heard from any of their parents. Just plain slack and inconsiderate as far as I’m concerned. 
As it turned out, only one little girl stayed the night and the other little girl, who’s mother sent me the text at 9pm, did come to the party the following morning, though she didn’t stay. We had booked a party for 10 kids and had paid a deposit. We were unsure how it would work when we turned up with only 5 so I asked my neighbours’ little girls to come along, literally at the very last minute (they go to school with my son and are his very dear friends). Luckily they could join us and wow, did we have a great time! 


The slumber party turned into “The best party ever,” according to all the little girls who came. We did makeup, nails and toenails. My girlfriend came along to help out and brought costume jewelry too. We let the girls decorate our faces after we done theirs and they loved it! We had an ice cream bar that any fro yo place would have been jealous of and it was just a lot of fun. 


But what if I hadn’t reached out to that mother? What if my daughter hadn’t gone to school every day for a week and asked everyone to remind their parents to let us know? Why has society gone in the direction of not using common courtesy, even decency, anymore? I admit we have gotten so busy that I have forgotten to RSVP on time, but I have always sent a response as soon as I’ve remembered. My heart was literally breaking for my little girl when she came home on the Tuesday before the party and we still hadn’t heard from anyone. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to strangle the necks of the parents or just burst into tears at the devastation on my baby’s face. It shouldn’t have come down to that! 
We live in an age where our children grow up far too quickly as it is. I know there are far more important things going on in the world than a simple RSVP, but when that lack of response means breaking a child’s heart, it should be important. It should be of the utmost importance. We are letting our own busy lives, our procrastinating tendencies, our own slackness all get in the way of the little things that make life grand when you are a child, things like an 8th birthday party! And I haven’t even discussed the implications when it comes to events like weddings
Répondez s’il vous plaît. RSVP. It’s more than just about you!